Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Chapter 5

I got a job working as an assistant medic for the Montreal Canadiens. I’ve been here for the rest of last season and through three months of this season. I really like it here. I haven’t seen Kris since that day at his apartment. We kept in touch but it eventually faded away.

I sat in my apartment taking another quick look at the schedule. The Penguins were in town, my stomach got knots. His face ran through my mind again. The kiss in the dressing room flooded my mind. I was doing just fine, seeing him again…?

I was at the rink that morning getting ready for the afternoon game. The Penguins were using it for a morning skate. I looked quickly but couldn’t spot Kris. I shrugged it off and made my way to the other dressing room. I felt my phone vibrate as I was on my way. I had a text from Ally. I was responding back as I ran into someone’s chest. I looked up and saw I was looking into very familiar eyes, Kris. I backed up immediately.

“Kris…” I quietly said.
“Jules…” he said.
“I didn’t expect to see you, well I guess I expected to see you, but I didn’t expect to be this close…I mean…I’m going to stop now”
He just laughed, “I didn’t know you were with Montreal now”
“Yah” I simply said.

It was silent. Just being near him, even after all this time, drove me to distraction. Everything inside of me was screaming for him, but nothing would come out. I was still in love with him.

“Kris, I--” I was cut off by his coach yelling for him to get going.
“Maybe I will talk to you after” I said walking by him.
Our arms gently brushed as I passed him. Even if it was subtle as that, he still gave me goosebumps. I turned around to say something but he was already gone. I just sighed as I got to the dressing room.

Montreal won the game 5-2, the Penguins didn’t play very well. There were no injuries to report which is the good thing. I packed up my stuff as I got ready to head home. I always tended to be the last one out of there. Surprisingly, so did Kris.

“Oh, hi” I said passing him.

He just smiled at me. No words. I just sighed and kept walking. All of a sudden I heard something hit the floor and his hand grab my arm.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

He didn’t say anything he just gently pushed me against the wall.

As much as I was in love with him, everything was telling me not to go there. Until his lips touched mine. I’ve kissed him before, but this time it was different, this kiss was going to change everything. He pulled back leaving me wanting more.

“So?” I said.
“So…” he said.

I love you, you idiot, from the moment I laid eyes on you, and even now, I still do, even after nine months you still make me weak in the knees

I could have said it, but I didn’t, nothing was coming out.

“Jules?” he said.
I did all that I had the energy to do, I grabbed his face and kissed him. As my arms wrapped around his neck, I couldn’t let go, but he eventually did.
“Wow” he said.
“Kris, I love you” I said quickly.
He just stared. My mind raced with possible things that he may say next. I was terrified.
Then he inhaled. “I’ve been denying it for so long, when I kissed you in the dressing room, I was already falling, I constantly told myself, after seeing Jenny everyday that it meant nothing. But something finally snapped inside me and I couldn’t deny it any longer. But for some reason I couldn’t tell you, but Jules, I love you”
I was frozen. Trying to process the words that just came out of his mouth. Finally I said something.
“Wow. That was definitely not the response I was expecting” I said.
He just smirked, “so what now?”.
“I don’t care, as long as I finally have you”
He just smiled and gently kissed me.

Finally, he was in my arms and I didn’t have to worry about anyone or anything keeping us apart. Now, rather than dark and gray, my life was color again.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Chapter 4

I went home and got straight into bed. I turned on the tv to get my mind off of everything, but I couldn’t find anything. Everything reminded me of him, or of hockey, or of medicine, which all led me back to him. The worst of it was I was probably the last thing on his mind.

I woke up the next morning from a night of about four hours of sleep. I didn’t bother eating, I wasn’t hungry. Everything just seemed to be dark and grey, nothing exciting was going on.

“Jules?” Ally asked.
“Yes?” I said looking up from my laptop.
“I think you need to talk to him”
“Don’t start” I said looking back to my computer.
“If you can barely be near him why are you still working there?”
“I’m leaving after the season, I’m sure I could find another job somewhere”
She just sighed.
“I know what I’m doing” I said.

The next day they had an afternoon game against Philadelphia. Kris wasn’t playing, obviously, he was out for a couple weeks at least, I knew it would kill him not to be out there.

The game went well, they won 4-2. I occasionally would look up to the box and see Kris sitting there. I knew I had to talk to him, I needed some questions answered.

I finished up and went to clean myself up. I walked out of the washroom and down the hall to see Kris standing in the doorway of the dressing room, like he was waiting for me.

“We need to talk” I said.
“Yah I know” he replied.
“Where does this all leave us?” I asked
He just shrugged.
I just sighed. “Do you have any feelings for me at all?” I asked.
“No” he quickly said.

My heart sunk at that very moment.

“Then why did you kiss me?” I asked quietly.
“It was in the moment” he said.
“So no feelings at all?” I said.
He just shook his head.
“Julie, I have a girlfriend” he said.

My heart sank as far as it could sink.

“Well I guess that settles it then” I said, “Maybe I should just leave now”
“You’re leaving?” he asked.
“Kris, you know as well as I do I can’t stay here”
“You don’t have to leave, I mean, we can just keep our distance or be --”
“Don’t say friends” I said, “I can barely be near you”
“Why?” he asked, he sounded frustrated.
“Because I love you, but yet I know nothing about you” I said.
“Love?” he said quietly.
“Don’t bother, it may hurt to leave, but it doesn’t hurt near as much sitting here wondering whether I can ever be yours”
“Julie, I --”
“Kris! You comin or what?!” I heard Jordan Staal yell from around the corner.
“In a minute!” he yelled, still frustrated. He kept his eyes on me.
“You know what? Go. I’m not waiting for you anymore. You have someone, and I’m leaving, plus, you don’t feel the same way, you made that clear. Good luck Kris. I hope everything works out with your girlfriend and you’re career”
I started to walk away when I heard him say my name.
“Julie!” he said.
I hesitated and turned around and just looked at him.
“I’ll miss you”
I gently sighed and nodded once.

I went and told who needed to be told that I had to get out of this job now. Not in two weeks, now.

A couple days later I had all my things packed up and I was out of there. As I came out of the arena I saw Kris. I walked by him slowly without looking at him. I felt him watch me all the way to my car.

I climbed in and watched as he quickly ran over. I put down my window.

“What?” I asked.
“Come with me” he asked.
“You know I can’t”
“You don’t work for them anymore, you can”
“Kris, you have someone, you know I can’t”
“What if I told you I was leaving her”
“Not because of me?” I asked in shock.
“No, it’s not because of you” he laughed, “It’s because of me”
I just sighed, “no funny business”

We hung out and talked all night. I learned so much about him, so much I never knew before. I’m pretty sure I fell more in love with him then ever, but something still didn’t feel right.

I woke up on his couch and he was asleep on the chair. I threw a pillow at him and he jumped up. I just laughed.

“Thanks” he laughed.
“You’re welcome” I smiled proudly.
He threw a pillow back.
“You did not just do that” I said.
“What if I did?” he asked.
I threw it back to him.
“This is childish” I said getting up.
I saw him smirk as I went into the kitchen. I felt the pillow hit my back and then two hands grab my sides. I screamed and jumped to face him. “Not cool!” I said.
He just laughed as I stuck my tongue out at him.

I sighed as I looked at the time.
“I need to go” I said grabbing my stuff.
He just looked down.
“So this is goodbye?” he asked.
“Yah” I said.
“Where are you headed?” he asked.
“I don’t know, wherever I can”
“Well, I hope to see you again soon”
“Keep in touch?” I said writing down my number.
He looked down at it. “Definitely”.

I opened the door and turned around.
“See you around” I smiled.
He nodded.
I went to shut the door behind me when he stopped me.
“What?” I said.
He just looked at me and smiled.
“What?” I said again.
“I’m going to miss you. Standing behind me on the bench, staring”
I just felt my face get red.
“I never stared” I said scoffing.
He just looked at me and I laughed.
“Maybe some” I said. He just smirked.
“Bye Kris”
He put his hands on my cheeks and I put my hand on his. He gently kissed my forehead.
“Bye Jules”
I just inhaled slowly and nodded.

When I heard the door shut behind me my eyes welled up with tears. I was kicking myself for not going back, but I knew I couldn’t. The two of us would never work out. I am going to be leaving Pittsburgh, going who knows where, he would be all over the place and so would I, what’s the point? But leaving him, hurt more, I actually felt my heart breaking.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Chapter 3

We left early that morning and made our way to Raleigh for a game against Carolina. It still felt really awkward every time I was near him. I didn’t know what to do anymore. There was still half a season left, and I was going to see him every day.

We hadn’t talked too much lately, maybe a hi here, a smile there, nothing major. But it hurt, it hurt way too much.

The Penguins lost in overtime, but it didn’t really matter to me. I just needed to get away from the team and work, if only for a couple days. We were heading back to Pittsburgh for a few home games, but there was a few days of break in between. I said I was going to let the main medic be around and go home.

I went in the door and saw Ally. She just sighed as I came in.

“Don’t start with me” I said.
“You’re hurting yourself love” she said.
“I’ll be fine” I replied.
“Just be careful, and remember I’m here”
“I know”
I went straight to bed, I was exhausted.

The next couple days I was doing better but was still not looking forward to seeing him. Ally was coming to the game tonight, to see this for herself.

I was standing behind the bench and I caught a glimpse of Ally and just smirked. She kept making me laugh and everyone kept looking at me. I texted her to stop and she just smirked at me.

The game started and it was going pretty good. No injuries to report. After two periods, they were up by two. Kris was playing really well, and I was starting to feel a bit better around him, especially knowing I was going to be around him for a while.

The third period was going well until right in front of the bench, there was a collision, a major one, and Kris was involved. I freaked when he wasn’t getting up. Finally after what felt like hours he just barely got up on his own. He came to the bench and I watched as he went by me. I clued in and followed after them.

“Kris, are you ok?” I asked him.
“It’s my shoulder” he said.
“I think it’s dislocated” said the medic behind me.
He pushed it back in and I saw Kris wince in pain.
He left me with Kris while he went back out.
“I’m sorry” I said.
“Not your fault” he said.
“Um, you are going to have to take off your shirt” I said looking down.
When I saw his bare stomach I almost stopped breathing. I don’t know why they left me with him and not the medic.
I looked at his shoulder and gently touched his arm. When I did this I saw him get goosebumps. I didn’t say a word and did what I was supposed to do.
“Um, your good” I said backing off.
He grabbed his shirt with his other hand and realized he was not going to get that on himself. I helped him get his other arm in and get it over his head.
“Sorry” he said.
“Not your fault” I said.
As he got it over his head our faces were not too far apart. I stared at him and he stared back. It’s like it was all going in slow motion.

“I need to go” I said moving back.
“Wait” he said.
He grabbed me, pulled me in, and in one quick motion, he kissed me. I didn’t want it to end but I pulled back.
“Kris you know I can’t, I’m sorry” I said moving back, “I’ll get someone else in here”
He didn’t say a word as I left the room.

I went out and saw Ally waiting for me. I felt like I wanted to cry but kept it in, I think she could tell.
“What’s going on?” she asked, “You look like you’re going to cry”
“I’m ok” I said sniffling.
“Jules” she said.
“Kris kissed me” I said. Then tears started to come out.
“So it was him this time?” she said.
“Well, maybe you should tell him how you feel”
“I could lose my job” I said, “we can’t be together under any circumstances, cause it gets personal”
“Maybe it’s worth it”
I just sighed. “I don’t know anymore”


There were sounds in my head
LIttle voices whispering
That I should go and this should end

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Chapter 2

The game against the Rangers was the same as any other game. I did my job like I always did and well, it was the same as always. Until the unexpected happened, Letang got a major high stick, just above the eye. The period was almost over so I was told to take him back and stitch him up.

“You ok?” I asked as I sat him down.
“I’m fine” he replied.
I just sighed and didn’t say a word. I grabbed my stuff and started to stitch him up.
“So how long have you been around here?” he asked.
“Um, since last year” I said, “When you started playing here”.
“Really?” he asked.
“Yah, really” I chuckled.

I finished stitching him up. As I leaned back I made eye contact with him and I swear there was this intense energy between us, I am pretty sure he felt it too. Two seconds later I pressed my lips on his. It lasted only a couple seconds but it felt longer. I pulled back and clued in to what just happened.

“Whoa, sorry” I said stepping back.
“Um, I better get ready for next period” he said avoiding the subject. Then we heard the second period ending.
I just nodded “Yes” as he got up and walked the other way.

I cleaned myself up constantly rewinding in my mind what I just did. I just kissed Kris Letang! I have never even spoken to the guy. What was I thinking? I just hope this doesn’t ruin anything, especially for him.

During the third period nothing major happened. One thing though was every time Letang would come back to the bench after a shift he would avoid making eye contact with me. I ruined everything. As if it wasn’t bad enough.

I sighed as the game ended. They won, so they were all pretty happy. I went into the dressing room and saw Letang, I did the best I could to keep my distance, but it was impossible. He came to me.

“Oh, hi” I said keeping my head down.
“About earlier, can we forget it happened?” he said.
“I guess” I said, “I’m sorry, I don’t know what came over me”
“Let’s just forget it happened and start over”
“Start over?” I asked looking up. I couldn’t understand how any man could be so beautiful.
“I’m Kris, and you are?” he said putting out his hand.
I just chuckled. “Julie”.
“Nice to meet you Julie” he said.
“You too”
“Well I suppose I will see you around”
“See ya later”

I just sighed and grabbed my stuff. I made my way back to the hotel room and sat on my bed. I texted Ally what happened and she couldn’t believe it. Then I told her it meant nothing to him. She just told me not to worry about it, if it’s not meant to be, it’s not meant to be. I agreed and told her I was going to bed.

I changed into a pair of sweats and a Penguins t-shirt. I climbed into bed and turned on the tv. There was nothing on and I got bored and turned it off. After a while I couldn’t sleep. I got up, put on a hoodie and took a walk down to the lobby. I sat outside and let my thoughts run. I couldn’t stop thinking about that moment. The kiss itself, the feeling, my heart pounding. I couldn’t get it or him out of my mind. Speak of the devil…he just came out.

He stood there with his hands in his pockets. He looked better than ever. His hair fell in his face in all the right places. Just him standing there practically took my breath away. I inhaled a shaky breath as I finally took my eyes off of him. He looked over and saw me.

“Julie?” he said.
“Couldn’t sleep” I simply said.
“I know the feeling”
“I should probably get back” I said standing up.
He hesitated. “Ok”.
I just half smiled and walked in the door.

I got on the elevator and started to ball. I was in love with him and he was never going to know. I honestly don’t understand how I let myself get into this mess. How was I supposed to face him without my heart skipping a beat. How was I supposed to walk by him and not stare? Can’t he tell I can’t breathe when I'm near him?

Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you
It's inevitable, it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it
So tell me
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you

Chapter 1

I took my spot behind the bench for another game. It was like every other day. I was an assistant medic for the Pittsburgh Penguins. I was only 21, I was gaining experience for the future. It was one of the best jobs I have had. I loved it here.

There was one thing I forgot to mention. I saw players constantly, and I was told I couldn’t date any of them, it was a rule. It was fine with me, until last year, when a new player came in, a French-Canadian defenceman by the name of Kristopher Letang. From the moment I saw him with my own two eyes, I have fallen head over heels. But here’s the thing, he barely knows I exist.

After another home game, against the Washington Capitals, which the Penguins won, I watched as they stepped off the ice. I smiled as Letang went by. He just looked over at me then back in front of him. I just sighed as another day ended.

When I arrived home to my 2 bedroom apartment in Pittsburgh, I saw Ally, my best friend, lying on the couch watching the Canucks late game.

“I saw the game” she said.
“Yah, it was a good one” I replied taking off my Penguins jacket.
She just sighed.“Why are you doing this to yourself?”
“You know what? The season is almost over, and when it is, I will be leaving Pittsburgh” I said.
She just shook her head and sat up. “I’m not going to say a word”.

The team was travelling to New York early in the morning so I was in bed pretty quick. I was up by three. It was basically a nap. I took a very quick shower and grabbed a pair of skinny jeans, black hoodie, flats and left my hair as it was. I grabbed my already packed bag and left quietly out the door.

The plane ride was agonizing. I hated flying with a passion. Even though I have been back and forth on them for quite a long time. We finally got into New York and I texted Ally to let her know I was here. We texted back and forth for a while. I decided to go grab something out of one of the vending machines in the hotel. I went down the hall, texting Ally. I wasn’t paying attention and ran into someone. I looked up and saw the darkest eyes, the most amazing eyes, they belonged to Kristopher Letang.

“Damn, sorry” I said.
“It’s ok” he smiled walking by.

I stood there watching him until he was out of sight. When his eyes met mine in that hallway, my heart almost jumped out of my chest. I texted Ally, and it didn’t seem like she was too interested. I just sighed as I sat down on my bed back in my room. “Still he feels nothing” I said to myself.

||I'm in and out of love with you
Trying to find if its really true
I can't stop the rain from falling
I can't stop my heart from calling you
Please Be Mine||